OVERCOMING SEXUAL ADDICTION

Let me state here that every problem has a solution and I also want you to know that it is possible to be free from sexual addiction. In the course of the week, I got a mail from one of my proteges in Kenya, a teenager who had issues with sexual addiction. He wrote to inform me that he is done weeks without it and he is confident that he will not lose the battle again. As I wrote in my last post, I'm a living testimony of freedom from nasty habit. IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE FREE FROM ADDICTION. I want to share with you some practical and time-tested tips that has helped me and many others overcome this deadly monster. 1. You need to acknowledge the problem of sexual addiction if you must get a solution. 2. Take responsibility and do not go about blaming others for your woes. Have it at the back of your mind that it will be a challenging task, but be determined that I must win the battle. DON'T GIVE UP even if you fail at the first, second or third attempt. 3. Have a strong desire to change and take actions passionately. 4. Look for a mentor/accountability partner that you can open up to. It is a major factor , as a problem shared is half solved. You can call him/her when you face challenging situations. Don't fail to tell the person when you have slips too. 5. Avoid places,music and friends who negatively influence you to do those things you hate to do or make you very vulnerable. 6. When you are browsing/ on the internet, know that you have a choice to click on the enter button to that porn site, a choice to insert that x-rated VCD/DVD in the player/laptop, a choice to go to that brothel OR NOT TO. Don't entertain negative thoughts or dialogue with the devil. When those suggestions or bad ideas come, don't consider it, JUST REJECT IT! I mean JETTISON the idea immediately. Thoughts are like a viper's egg which can be crushed by even a child, but when its allowed to become a full- grown viper it will take the bravest of men to kill it. 7. Destroy all porn materials - VCD/DVDs,magazines, books,videos,tapes and pictures in your possession. 8. See yourself as a role model and get involved in activities that will keep your mind busy and make you a better person that can be emulated. 9. Guide your heart with all diligence. This is very important, garbage in , garbage out. If you give a filthy thought/idea a foothold in your heart, it will build a stronghold. 10. You can't stop a bird from flying over your head but you can prevent it from making a nest in your head. If you see sites, pictures,films or ladies dressed provocatively or you stumble on a tv station on the cable, switch off or take your eyes off as fast as possible. You are most likely to fall if you spend some time to feed your eyes with negative images. Never allow your mind to be a bus-stop for negative thoughts. 11. Believe that you can be free even if there is a slip. Confer with your accountability partner as soon as possible. 12. Forget the past and its mistakes, remember you can't drive forward, looking back. 13. Reprogramme your mind with new information that are edifying. 14. Know your bottom-line. If you find out your job is making you to have temptations you find difficult to handle, do the honourable thing- RESIGN. Read your books so that lecturers will not have cause to use passing their papers as a bait to abuse you sexually. 15. Don't allow an uncle, aunty or a brother to touch you anyhow - REACT by challenging them, don't pretend as if nothing is happening. Avoid vulnerable positions and locations. 16. If you fall, ask God for forgiveness and avoid the reason for your slip like a plague in future. 17. Read only books,magazines and watch films that will not arouse your emotions. You are a product of the information you feed your mind with. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true,noble, reputable, authentic, compelling,gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; the things to praise , not things to curse. Put to practice what you learned from me... Do that, and God who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.( Paul's letter to Philippians(The Message Version).

HOW PEOPLE GET ADDICTED TO SEX

People don’t just start out and become sexual addicts in a day.  Addiction is a product of prolonged use.  There are so many ways through which  guys and gals get into sexual addiction.  I will be discussing a few of them in this post. Enjoy your reading.

1.      Sexual Abuse.    Abuse as we earlier defined is   abnormal use.    Sexual abuse is probably to most profound reason why people get addicted to sex.  It is usually in 2 broad forms ; addiction through interaction and addiction through orientation.

a.                  Abuse through interaction is usually a fall out of boys/girls that were touched and exposed to sexual pleasures very early in life. Oftentimes by older adults who take undue advantage of their naivety.   Sexually abused people tend to develop a condition called sexual anorexia ( a desire not to have sex ). They often resort to masturbating or use of sex toys to derive sexual pleasure.

Conversely, others get addicted to sex as a result of sexual abuse as young children.  I know of a particular 12 year old girl that got sexually abused at age 3 by three men.  It actually opened her up and she became sexually promiscuous.  It got so bad that as  young as age seven, she had literarily started luring not just other children but older men to come and have sex with her. Her sexual appetite was awakened too early and she found it too hot to handle. It also affected her psychologically.

b.        Abuse through orientation is as a result of what people watch, read and the music they listen to.  It is also known as mind abuse.   The irony of it all is that this form of abuse could be a fallout of genuine teenage curiosity to peep into the adult world.  Let me tell you my own story.  I grew up to discover very early in life that I had a penchant for reading.  Due to lack of guidance, I pick up any book, magazine or journal I could lay my hands on and devour the contents.  In the course of my exploration, I stumbled on some pornographic materials as a very young teen (13).   It tickled my fancy and I wanted to know more, so I began to fill my mind with all sorts of erotic stuff .   That was how I began to paint mental pictures of the materials I read because I’m also a very imaginative person.   Eventually when I felt it was not good for me, the pictures had become stuck in my memory and it is played back unconsciously and randomly.  It led to a journey of years of eventual addiction to masturbation.   It took the grace of God to eventually deliver me from this monster.    That is one of the reasons why I made up my mind to let young adults know that they need to guide what they feed their minds with. You have to choose what to read in order to preserve your future.  The trait of being an avid reader is very good but the devil can pervert it, if you don’t know how to control what you read.

So long for today, I expect your comments and have a nice weekend as you ponder on this post.  The world is waiting for your manifestation, don’t destroy it with a careless today.

Dele

SEXUAL ADDICTION- A SOFT KILLER

Hi Folks, I’m sorry that the follow- up to our let’s talk about sex series is coming later than I envisaged. Please pardon me. Today, I will be talking about what I call a soft killer, sexual addiction.

Let me define sexual addiction, Sexual addiction is an uncontrollable compulsive appetite for sex that keep reoccurring. it is overwhelming and often becomes like second nature. You may have started it ignorantly but over time, it becomes a habit which you discover that you can no longer control when the urge comes. Even though you desire to stop, but you literarily find yourself going back to do, that which you hate to do.

I want you to note that sexual addiction is not sexual feeling (which is normal for anyone that has reached puberty) or one- off sexual sin. It is pertinent to add that sexual feeling is God’s design; however it must be controlled until the appropriate time. Animals have sex based on instinct, while human beings are meant to have sex by choice.

I have discovered through studies, personal research and interactions with teens, young adults and even married people that sexual addiction cuts across board. The problem is that issues of sexual addiction are hardly discussed openly because of the kind of environment in this part of the world. What bothers me most is that the underlying factor in some cases is not an outright desire to go into promiscuity that led them to being held captive by this taskmaster that kills by instalments. It is one of the greatest battles that are being fought by mankind without the use of physical weapons; the battlefield is the mind.

Sexual addiction comes in various forms, they include

a. Voyeurism or mind sex (persons who derive sexual pleasure from watching others (especially secretly) who are naked or taking part in sexual activity. This is manifested through the following media:

(1) Cybersex ( through the internet).

(2) Visits to pornographic sites, watching of blue/x-rated films/DVD.

(3) Reading of x-rated magazines, books and erotic music and its videos.

b. Masturbation - Although some schools of thought are of the opinion that it is harmless, but from personal experience and about 14 years of counselling both single and married people, I have discovered that it has serious psychological and spiritual adverse effect on victims.

c. Different forms of sexual perversions- I call them perversions because they are deviations from the original plan of God the creator, for sex. Sex was meant to be between a man and a woman ( as was defined in my last post) within the context of marriage. These perversions include

(1) Lesbianism (sex between 2 women/girls). It is quite common now in boarding schools.

(2) Homosexuality (sex between 2 men/boys). It is also very common among teenagers and young adults.

(3) Incest – Sex between close relatives i.e people who are considered too closely related to have such a relationship.


       ...............................................To be continued

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX!

      "It all happened after a Valentine's Day Night Party, my boyfriend took me to his room and said he wanted to prove his love for me by sleeping with me.  He assured me that since it was my first time that I wasn't going to get pregnant and I believed him.  That month, I missed my period and when I didn't see my period again the following month , I was disturbed and I went to see a doctor.  The doctor carried out some tests and confirmed that I was pregnant.   I sat there confused and shattered. My whole world came crumbling down.   I was just 16 years old preparing to sit for my senior school certificate examination....."

         That is one of the many typical cases of the aftermath of Valentine's Day activities that occur year in, year out.   Yes, the Valentine season is here again, a period when many 'funny' things happen in the name of 'LOVE'.   

         I can hear someone musing aloud "Hahaa! Dele must have gone nuts to start talking about sex". But you will agree with me that the fact that sex and sexuality issues had hitherto been kept as dark secrets, even in religious circles and homes, has led to many lives being destroyed and destinies cut short.  That is why I have decided to talk about SEX.   This is so because when the actual purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable.

        In this  computer age, when all sorts of information is available at the click of a button, if we fail to properly educate the young generation , they will seek for help elsewhere and they could be misguided/misinformed. The consequences could be very disastrous.   Many children/teens get abused sexually by older adults( family members inclusive) who take advantage of their naivety .  Others get unduly exposed to x-rated materials, pornography sites and blue films due to curiousity/peer influence. 

       Therefore for the next few weeks, I will be talking sex and sexuality issues on this blog.   The series will cover myths/lies about sex, sexual addictions (its symptoms, effect and the way out), overcoming masturbation , how to avoid sex outside marriage among others.   You may say I'm not a teenager/young adults but your knowledge can help to shapen the thoughts of young adults around you(including your children).  I will be sharing personal testimonies and real life cases of people that God has helped to live above dirty habits.  I will also appreciate comments and contributions from you guys.  Let's roll.

       First, we need to define sex. This is necessary because if one's understanding of sex is wrong, then the use of it will be wrong.    In the course of my studies and research, I came across various definitions. But I will like to define it this way, sex, in its original context,  is a covenant exchange of life and pleasure between a man and woman within the marriage environment. It for the purpose of procreation,unity and expression of married love.  It involves not just the union of their bodies but includes the fusion of their souls and spirits.    So, sex outside this definition is an abnormal use(abuse).

        Having had a working definition of sex, I want to debunk some common myths/lies about sex that has negatively impacted the lives of young adults.

 MYTHS/LIES ABOUT SEX

   
1.     MYTH:    Everybody is doing it, so why can't I do it.

        FACT:  Not everybody is doing it, there are still people who are keeping themselves            undefiled until they are married.   The question is that what do you believe is right for you?

2.     MYTH:    It is old-school to still be a virgin at 21.

        FACT:      There is nothing old-school about it, its all about putting a value on your priced   possession.  Never be ashamed of your "status"(VIRGIN).   There are people over 30 years old that have not been deflowered. They are waiting for the right time; when they get married.

3.     MYTH:   You can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.

        FACT:     You can get pregnant the first time you have sex( I'm sure you read the story at the beginning of this post). It has been proved over and over again. So, beware!

4.    MYTH:    You can't get pregnant if you are in your period / just after your period or you have irregular periods.

       FACT:       It's unlikely but not impossible to get pregnant during your period.  According to gynaecologists, some ladies ovulate during their period or just after the end of their period and sperms can survive for days after intercourse.  According to Stein,  a sexualist expert, "some women, especially those with infrequent periods due to stress or other factors can have spotting without a menstrual period even during ovulation, when they are most likely to get pregnant.

5.    MYTH:    If you don't have sex as a teenager , the  sperm in a guy's body is likely to dry up or a girl's vagina opening will become sealed.

       FACT: A blatant lie!

6.     MYTH:   If a guy has a small penis, he can't make a woman pregnant and the only way to make the penis bigger is to have sex regularly before marriage.

        FACT:   Wrong assumption!  According to Ira Sharlip, a clinical professor of Urology, its not in the size, size has got nothing to do with it. There is no clinical proof to support the myth. It is a thing of the mind. A man's ability to get a woman pregnant is not dependent on the size of his manhood.

7.     MYTH:   You can only prove that you love a guy by having sex with him.

        FACT:     False! That is lust. If a guy loves you , he will wait for marriage and not destroy your       future.  Sex is not equal to love, that is why prostitutes can sleep with 10 men in a day for money and not be attached emotionally to anyone of them.

8.    MYTH:    You can't get pregnant if:

       a.   You drink krest or mountain dew after sex.

       b.   Have sex in a swimming pool.
       c.   You are both virgins.
       d.    You douche(wash up) or urinate immediately after sex.

       e.    The lady washes her private part with alum after sex.

       f.     The girl pushes really hard on her belly button  after sex.

      FACT:     The above are all lies.  Researchers have proven over the years, that abstinence is the only 100% foolproof of preventing pregnancy, not even the use of birthcontrol measures.

      So long for today, for queries, questions and personal counselling, you can send me a mail at dele_arogundade@yahoo.com or call me on 234-8037036549. All cases will be treated with utmost confidentiality.   Happy Valentine's Day in advance, stay pure, protect your future.  See you next week.

Dele